The Art of -Not- Lashing Out

Feeling amazing after teaching I head out to my car. I open the door, plop on the seat, and grab my phone. Dread and confusion enter my headspace which was calm and happy a moment ago. My stomach starts to churn, my heart starts to ache, and my body becomes almost instantly in defense mode. What caused this? Do you have a guess?

Lashing out. Something that all of us have experienced at some point in our lives. Whether we were on the receiving or lashing side, the emotions that go into the lashing affects both parties, relatively.

On the receiving end of uncontrollable emotions is like being vomited on. Literally, someone spewing something wretched, volatile, and unwanted all over your space. Not a good visual, I know. But something tells me if you are reading this you know this feeling. As I just recently experienced the emotional barf on my lap my intuitive, emotional clarity has led to me believe that while being the one barfed on is not as bad as the one barfing.

When you are physically sick and your stomach is hurting, you know how to make it better. Is has to come out in one way or another. Once it does we usually feel relieved and can recover. It is my perspective that emotions work the same way. Many folks who do not know how to identify, express, and work through their feelings usually end up erratically throwing them onto others. Once the feelings are out most time remorse, embarrassment, or guilt sets in. Or, sadly it is not recognized that lashing out is indeed not okay to do to others or to yourself.

What can you do when you are the one lashing out?

Learning how to control your emotions can be very difficult but I promise you you can learn how! The first step is understanding the conflict or the “trigger” that made you feel the way you did. Feelings do not come from thin air they come from a thought. Let me repeat this. FEELINGS MUST COME AFTER A THOUGHT! Once you can identify WHAT made you upset that is a huge first step and you can clap for yourself. Now comes the WHY. Why do you associate feelings with this thought? This may require lots of deep, critical thinking to get this answer. But again, I promise you you can ultimately find the truth behind your feelings.

Next, identify if certain people or environments contribute to your feelings. Most of the time lashing out comes from the inability to set boundaries, be honest with yourself, and say what you feel. Example: You have poor self-esteem and you don’t know it yet (or you do and you are not honest with yourself). A coworker or a friend is attractive, polite, always seem like they have their shi*t together, and is nice to you. You on the other hand are feeling bad about yourself. You are angry and hate your life so this friend or coworker becomes a trigger for you. They are happy, you are not. So, instead of going in and identifying why you feel this way, you lash out at this person You call them names, you say nasty things all because you don’t know how to say to yourself ” I am unhappy.” If you have a tendency to lash out at people I encourage you to truly look deep inside and heal the part of you that holds you back from being whole and happy.

What can you do when you are the one being lashed on?

Do not respond right away if you are able. If the lashing is in-person walk away. This may sound impossible I get it! Someone is in your face saying pretty harsh things and I’m telling you to walk away. Yes, I am! You must understand that most of the time this is not about you. If indeed a warranted confrontation is happening, that is another blog post. Walking away from verbal vomit is the best thing you can do to avoid deepening the situation. This is where your fortitude comes in. Next, process what just happened but DO NOT RETALIATE! Adding space between the nastiness will protect your heart and give the lasher time to (hopefully) calm down. The final step, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, some really hateful, hurtful things were just said about you. Are they true? Probably not. So let go of your ego and realize someone just got sick around you. Talk to a friend or loved one about it and have empathy and validation in your feelings. It is never easy to hear these things but the best advice is to know that they are, after all, only words.