A hell of a time to start a blog. Right when the world is in the middle of a cloud of undeniable energy that surrounds us all. Like a mustard gas of pent up emptions, I am finding that human beings are really struggling with emotional regulation; and as I am unfortunately a human, I am not exempt from this statement.
Growing up, I was never taught social emotional skills. What was modeled to me was ” Keep it to yourself” or “suck it up.” I am sure we have all hear this at some point or another. It wasn’t until I was is my early 30’s that I decided I did not want to hear this ever again. It’s like someone breaking their leg and you telling them “Suck it up it’s not that bad”.
I understood at an early age that my emotions were much larger than I could handle. Instead of progressively seeking help, it just got worse. My relationship with my parents was scarce and shaky, neither of them able to pinpoint my emotional outbursts and impulsive behavior. Nor did I have any clue what was going on with me and my ever increasing hormonal changes and physical intensity.
Throughout the next few years (insert horrific high school years) the pace of emotional outbursts and instability grew more and more, especially when I really started liking boys. I mean, I have always had an intense attraction to the opposite sex which started in pre-school with a crush on a boy names Steve. But, as I was developing as a young woman, these sexual feelings grew more and more which seemed to be too big for my body. I only knew how to have relationships with boys. Girls did not like me for some reason. Even as an adult, I still evaluate my relationships all the time with women because I have not had many relationships with the same sex until much later in life. I’m practicing.
By the time I was a junior, I was literally out of control. School was boring AF and I wanted nothing to do with the endless taunts and nasty comments being thrown my way. I had no friends, I had no support at home. I was, and still consider myself to be, a misfit. So I did what any other bullied, insecure outcast would do and dropped out of high school. I could not bare another moment of feeling like everyone’s emotional target. And, the fact of the matter was at this point in my life, I was incapable of being aware of my emotional states. Come to find out many, many years later, I have Bipolar Disorder.
Now, don’t stop reading this because you suddenly think I am incapable of doing anything good! That’s the really hard truth about living with a mood disorder, the stigma that comes with it. In fact, mental health stigma, in my beliefs, causes a lot of pain. For those who endure AND for those who don’t understand in the slightest. So, it would be safe to say at this point “Why should I listen to you. Lyndsay? You have a mood disorder and are a high school drop out.” Yes, those are both true. But what is much, much larger than that, is that I am a person who made mistakes but was able to recover from them.
Not only did I go to school to receive my Masters in Art Education, I am a mother of three, a wife to the most amazing human being on the planet, an activist in my community to help youth at the Lancaster County Intervention Center, and I am a pretty cool person.
How did I get here? Acceptance and hard work. It is one thing to understand your victimhood. To ride it your whole life is a whole ‘nother unhealthy mindset that I decided to give up years ago. Keeping myself labeled as “disabled” or ” emotionally unstable was just not going to cut it for me. I want so much more out of my life without any others telling me otherwise.
So, looking back at why I started writing this in the first place, I want to help you with your emotions. I want to help with your mood changes and your self-esteem. I want to help you feel like you are worth every ounce of love and care that ALL humans deserve. Join me on this emotional conquest to learn how to identify, process, and express our emotions in a healthy, supportive environment. Because honestly, I am lonely and I am tired of doing this on my own. And I am so stoked to meet others just like me.
Mood & Magic 